I apologize. I said I’d post this a day or two ago and I’m just now finding the time. Life can get pretty hectic with Spelling Bees, Beta Club, Basketball, etc.
Let’s just jump right in, shall we?
I was 17. I had my first experience with love – my first love. The guy was an idiot, plain and simple. Just trying to be honest here. I was an idiot for being attracted to him. Not even sure what it was about the guy that attracted me in the first place. I was so innocent and naive (not that I’m saying I ever stopped being naive, mind you), and he was…well,…an idiot. Ok, he was wild and crazy and a rebel – a bad boy. I found this fascinating. He wasn’t afraid of anything. I was afraid of everything, except him. I had never really known anyone like him before.
After being in a relationship with this boy for maybe a year, many issues came up between us and, ultimately, caused our break up. He invited me to go away and I gladly did. He tried to apologize a little while later, explaining he was angry and said some things he didn’t mean, but I would not forgive him. I knew our being together was dangerous and we had no future together. This did not stop me from loving the idiot.
I had moved out of my parents home when I was 17. I was on a road of self-destruction, anger, frustration with life, frustration with myself, frustration with everyone. Do you get that I was frustrated. 😉 I was a lost soul and I hung out with other lost souls. We were all a bunch of idiots. Not really even self-absorbed, because we didn’t really care about ourselves. To be self-absorbed, I figure you put yourself above everyone else. I didn’t care enough about myself to be self-absorbed. I didn’t care about anything or anyone, really. I only wanted to escape. Escape my life. I hated life.
I was angry with God. I don’t remember speaking to him that much during these couple of years – maybe longer. I felt he had abandoned me – that I was a bad person and how could he possibly love me. So many things had gone wrong in my life for so many years and he didn’t seem to want to fix any of it, so why did I need him? This is how I felt at 17. He ignored me, so I ignored him.
After the breakup, I moved home to live with my parents again. I was actually surprised they welcomed me. I certainly did not deserve their welcome.
During this time, I didn’t feel that my parents loved me. I don’t know why. If they didn’t love me, they would not have taken me in. Still, this is how I was feeling. I felt I was a burden and they took me in out of obligation. Remember, I hated myself at this stage in my life. When you hate yourself, you don’t see that others love you – or I didn’t, anyway.
I remember, it was late, and we had all turned in for the evening. I believe it was my first night back home, because Mama and I had to pull out the couch and make up that little bed with fresh sheets.
As I lay there, still and quiet, I started to realize how I had made a mess out of my entire life up to this point (oh, don’t think I just all of a sudden wised up, either). Okay, maybe I overdramatize just a little. So, I didn’t mess up my entire life. Mostly, just that year, and maybe a couple,…or five.
Anywho, I digress.
Laying there. Still. Quiet.
I felt so alone, so tired, and I did not want what comes next – more life – more heartache, heartbreak, messing up my life, pushing people out of it, pulling away from everything and everyone I love. It was all too hard. I felt unloved and unloveable and never deserving of anything good in my life.
I had not prayed in such a long… A very long time.
My heart is wrenching in pain so deeply that I ache in every part of my body. I have been crying so long and so heavy that my pillow is saturated from the tears; my eyes and mouth feel bruised. I begged for God to hear me, to listen. I begged for him to take me in my sleep. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I couldn’t remember what it felt to feel real love, a healthy love.
I prayed to feel love. I prayed for a reason to live but I’d much rather just go and leave this life. “I am ready,” I told him. “PLEASE take me.”
I lay there in the dark. The only light I can see is that of the moonlight shining in through the living room window. It is so quiet, you can hear a pin drop. All of the sudden, out of nowhere, someone sits down on my bed beside me. I freeze! I am petrified with fear – fear of the unknown. I can hardly breathe! I can’t move.
I know that no one came into the living room. The floor creaks when I walk. I can hear everything!
I try to move my eyes toward the area where I can feel the weight on the bed, closest to my feet. I can see an indention on the bed, as if someone is sitting there, but there is no one (NO ONE!) that I can see with my eyes!
One minute, I’m petrified. I can hardly move or breathe, and then – just like a mother might caress your brow when she’s trying to comfort you from a nightmare or when you are feverishly sick – I feel this same sort of love wash through me. It’s that and so much more. It starts off feeling like a mother’s comfort and then grows into something else.
Hard to explain but I’ll try my best. I’ve never experienced it before and haven’t since. It was a feeling of love, of peace, comfort, invigoration, an inner understanding that perhaps my soul reached but my brain didn’t or couldn’t and it was the strangest and coolest sensation I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’ll never forget it.
Have miracles happened in your life? Or was it to just be explained away, dismissed, as if it were mere coincidence. Do you believe in coincidence? Oh, I am pretty sure – no, I’m positive that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe in coincidence. When something unexplainable happens, don’t try to explain it away. Embrace it.
And remember – he hears you. Please don’t go years, like I did, before you talk to him again.
Love you! *hug*